AIDS IS DEAD!
This is an unpaid advertisement
A great sadness is upon us.
It’s official. Aids is no more. It has no
life. It means nothing. Zilch. A waste of time. The debate is over. Even the
acronym needs a well-needed once-over. But it’s already too late. Who wants to
know about this anymore? Who cares? We’re devastated.
Thank the lord above, we’ve now moved on
from HIV and AIDS. The money just isn’t in it anymore. It’s a lousy investment.
Like Detroit with cars, or the UK with higher education, the ass has well and
truly fallen out of the industry.
I’m not suggesting that we, the drug
companies, are placing anything else into the sexual activity market. God
forbid. But we have a new buzz-word that we’re all really getting off on back here
on campus. We click our fingers, wink and point to each other in the corridors;
high five each other at the urinals, whispering the new name on everyone’s pension
cheques – HEP C. Even the sound on the lips makes our grandkids bank account
soar.
We’re not sorry about the HIV community – how
could we be - Hello! you sent our kids
to summer camps and Ivy league universities for nearly thirty freekin’ years! Then
you stupidly began to live, and we had to limit our store accounts and Lexus
leases. But we’re not bitter. Although, I sometimes wonder why we should show
you any sympathy when we actually saved your lives - yet you still talk about
us so bad? But we know what forgiveness is. Here, we don’t believe in
bitterness – it’s all just too negative. Sometimes it’s hard not to believe
that we’re truly blessed.
As with all new epidemics, we’re really
excited about our new products.
As with all new epidemics, we’re really
excited about our new products.
I’m happy to say that, with the patent now securely
in place, we look forward to the happy global proliferation of HEP C.
Unfortunately, as was not the case with
HIV, we have a timeline on this one. I know - you can’t have everything! HIV
was fantastic for us because nobody could see an eventual control or cure, and
of course, when something heaven-sent like HIV happens, its time to install
that new pool and grab a new car in anticipation of a LONG pay day. HIV was the
‘gift’ that just kept giving - you can imagine our office parties when those new
figures were announced... but as we all know, good times don’t last forever.
OK, let’s not delay you any longer - here’s
the deal.
What we’re offering is only a one-off deal.
Yes, I know you only need to take the medicine once to clear HEP C, but our marketers
tell us that you guys LOVE an offer in the middle of the recession! On top of
that - this just gets better and better - we’ll give it to you at a cut
price if you get tested NOW and order the medicine within the next month!
If not completely satisfied with our
product, we will refund ALL yes ALL of your money, no questions asked. For a
one-off payment of $49,990 we will deliver you from the evils of HEP C forever.
Now isn’t that a small price to pay to keep fucking? We’re giving you a full
$10 cash-back incentive on the price we’re charging per-person for the cure! Now
who says we’re not fair!
As always there are drawbacks, at this
point it’s only going to be rich white people who can access this medicine – I
mean, we are a business after all – do the math! But there’s no need to despair
- by the time the rest of our ever-growing HEP C community gets around to
financing, after all of those nasty side-effects seep in over time -we’ll be
doing the unimaginable. You ready? We’re
step-financing ALL, yes ALL, of the medications needed for those long term side
effects as HEP C develops. Now come on, you can’t get fairer than that! In
other words, we’ll help you pay for the worsening illness until you can afford
the cure! Christ, it’s no wonder we feel like god sometimes…
As a caring pharmaceutical company we
believe strongly in assisting the poorest diasporas struggle through this
awful, dreadful disease. And we don’t dangle carrots either– the cure is
available to EVERYONE. Come on - you can’t say fairer than that!
Our success is based on our ongoing and
passionate conversation with god. Why we have been chosen to be the earthly
representatives of the sick and the lame we have no idea, but we feel truly
privileged that we are. We know it’s a question that Jesus himself asked his
own father on top of that chilly mountain. We can only thank goodness that we
don’t have to die in order for everyone else to live in these times - we can
take installments instead! How could we ever live with ourselves and call us a
human interest corporation, otherwise!
When that dreadful Judas told Jesus to pull
in the purse-strings and give to the poor, Jesus let him know the deal. ‘There
will be poor always. Always struggling, ’ he said.
Well guess what? We are going to help the
struggling poor with what we call, ‘The One Payment Step Closer to Thee’ plan. Thee,
in this case is that all-important cure at the end of all your suffering. Next
we’ll be raising the dead!
And because we operate from our own campus,
it means that all you lepers will remain outside!
Just one trip to your GP or medical centre organizes
all!
Now, you can’t say fairer than that!