A goodnight story for humanity. Gscene Magazine, August 2014. Charlie Bauer Phd

A Goodnight Story for Humanity

Long ago, in a land far away there was a young prince (James Murdoch) who was soon to be given his old fathers kingdom. But first there was a task he needed to do to prove himself worthy. He had to take a journey to a far away land and bring back the world’s biggest diamond (BBC) for the kings treasure chest. This huge diamond had been protected fiercely by the people of the land. They all knew - because of an old spell - that if it were ever taken away, they would all lose their voices and never be able to speak to one another again. 

So, the prince decided that he would go to the country peacefully and try to convince the people (MacTaggart lecture, 2009) that the diamond was too big and that they’d all be better off without it. The people, who believed anything a prince would ever tell them, thought long and hard. Maybe he had a point. They were, after all, paying taxes to keep the diamond in its glass case on a hill by the ocean. And even if they wanted to see it, it would cost them more than 2 shillings (License fee). But the prince deceived the people because he knew that once the king had the diamond he then owned all of the diamonds in the world. 

However, in the woods lived a bunch of merry men (The Guardian) who could see the prince’s cunning plan. They decided to let the people know that the prince was evil and that his father’s court did very bad things to poor people’s children (Milly Dowler’s voice mail). If there was anything the people didn’t like, it was if someone stole their secrets or if children were harmed in any way. Even local gossip could drive the people to seek revenge on innocent people (NOTW name and shame campaign: 2000). 

The merry men told the people that the king had a wizard (Andy Coulson) who could magically capture the people’s secrets (phone hacking) and when they were told this they turned their backs on the King and wouldn’t let him near their diamond. They captured the king’s princess (Rebekah Brooks) and threatened to banish all of his friends from the land. 

Defeated, the prince returned to his father’s kingdom. The king was very angry because the prince had not only failed in all his efforts to capture the diamond but he also had the princess thrown into jail. The prince was shamed and went to the dungeon to seek solace with his dukes. He would never get his fathers crown and felt he was a bad prince.
Later, around the campfire, one of the dukes said he remembered that there was someone who guarded the diamond who hated children (Jimmy Saville). Maybe if they could tell the people, they wouldn’t like the diamond anymore. 

The prince laughed heartily, for he knew that this news would greatly please the king. So, from his castle far away, (Australia) the prince began to gather all of the dukes information together and let all the people know about the evil guard. As he did this, other people told him there were even more guards who hated children. And because the prince was very rich (because he was, after all, a prince) he bought up all the secrets in the land. Eventually, the prince convinced the king that the princess would never be free unless he himself went to save her. The King agreed, finally glad that his son was in command of his own fortitude. 

Eventually, one by one, all of the guards of the diamond were unveiled as children haters - the thing that the people would never forgive. So, as the prince had prophesized, the people began to hate their diamond and even though it was not the diamonds fault because diamonds cannot talk - they turned their backs on it. 

On the day that the princess was going to be put to death by a poisonous snake, the prince rode into town with his dukes. He gave the judge a beautiful new robe and told both him and the poor people who would decide the princess’s fate, that the real enemy was the diamond. Then he gave them all the parchments that his dukes had given him and they were finally convinced.

When the princess’s life was spared, the prince sent word to his father that he had conquered the diamond, saved the princess and killed the guards all in one day.
And the people rejoiced because all the evil guards had gone and all of the children could finally live in peace again.
And the merry men, defeated, went back into the woods in shame because they’d been let down by the people they’d only wanted to help. They knew that if only they could afford to buy the judge a new robe they would never have been beaten by the prince. 

And, for the first time in a hundred and one years, the diamond grew dim and the king let it roll into the ocean.
‘But father, I thought the diamond was everything you’ve ever wanted?’ The Prince said.
‘No. That diamond was worthless to me all along,’ the king replied, ‘I can die happy now that you have learnt the value of things, my son - for that was your quest’. And the prince knelt and the king placed his crown (News International) onto his head. 

It came to pass that the king never wanted the diamond for his treasure chest after all; he just wanted all the people to follow him. And even though the people lost their voices and were unable to speak to one another again, they all lived happily ever after. 

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